How to Marry a Female Medical Doctor
By Iniobong Leroi Umoh
Single female doctors move fast in the marriage transfer market. There is this assumption that doctors are the among the few groups of professionals who get good jobs as soon as they graduate/finish from the National Youth service.
My brother I know your curiosity is aroused, you want to marry a doctor. Read and listen to these words of mine while I sip on this bottle of wine.
To marry a doctor you must catch her young. Don’t wait for her to graduate from medical school before you declare your intention. This is because no female doctor is single in her final year. Before she finishes the third year in medical school, sharp guys have already booked their spot. Don’t be like Leroi. Leroi waited for his doctor crush to graduate before he made a move. On the eve of his departure to her city to shoot his shot, he saw her wedding invite on Facebook. ‘Congratulations’, he typed with tears in his eyes and a broken heart. So catch her now that she is in year one.
To marry a doctor, you must have a car or be ready to buy her one. She needs a vehicle for mobility to attend to emergency calls, you know life is precious and every second count.
To marry a doctor you must be patient my brother. If she fails to pick your call or reply your WhatsApp message after two days, don’t fret, she could be busy in the theatre performing a 32-hour surgery on a patient.
My brother this wine is very tasty and the inspiration it brings is very deep. To marry a doctor you must be a romantic. You see, medical students spend almost all their time with their noses stuck in voluminous medical textbooks. They barely have time to socialize with the opposite sex, so when you appear before that beautiful medical student with a declaration of love and a rose flower, you would be something out of the ordinary. If you include pizza and shawama in your gift basket, she would fall head over heels in love with you.
To marry a doctor you must speak her language. You have to understand the medical vocabulary. You must know Stethoscope, anaemia, diagnosis, malignant, on-call, prescription, ward, synchronous diaphragmatic flutter, incision, out-patient, thermometer, vascular, obstetrician, gynaecologist, clinical and other terminologies in order to avoid myocardial infarction that will happen to you if she breaks up with you over your olodoness.
Marrying a medical doctor is sweet my brother, by the nature of her training she is meant to be caring, so she would take good care of you. She would bathe you, feed you, clothe you, pay all the bills and spend money on you. All you have to do is to become a couch potato and watch TV all day long. My brother if your wife is a doctor, then you are also a doctor because 1+1 = 1, so you can take up the title and address yourself as Dr Idiok Udo everywhere you go.
To marry a doctor you must compliment her all the time. Call her “My Chief”, address her as “Dr” in public, buy her gifts, she would say Yes to you and marry you. Then she would be prescribing and administering drugs for you; drugs like smiline, hugmycin, kissoprin and sexicilin. Oh, what a pleasurable life!
Marry her and you will discover that she knows all about human anatomy and physiology, so you won’t have to stress yourself as her husband on your matrimonial bed. She would simply show you how to do it for her eggs to be fertilized and for your babies to be conceived.
My brothers, I need to go now, so propose to that doctor crush of yours, remember to catch her young. If you can’t get a doctor, go for a Pharmacist or a Nurse.
The masterclass is over. God willing, if you assemble here with a bulgy envelope for me by nightfall in three days time, I will tell you what to do in order to marry a lawyer.
Let me drop this empty bottle of wine and make my way home to Dr Henrietta, my imaginary doctor wifey who is frying ripe plantain for my dinner tonight.